152 insights into my soul

me and my vice (not to be confused with miami vice)

This morning we were in full out prep mode as we readied the house for friends coming at 11:30. As I tossed some random toys into the play room, I felt the room itself laugh at me. It’s a wreck. A complete wreck. “Laugh all you want, ” I said, “cause you are on my hit list for next week.”

Hit list? I thought. Genius.

How much more fun would it be to have a hit list for my week as opposed to the “To Do” list? The former implies choice, annihilation, total victory- the latter is simply stuff to get done.

This train of thought continued as I scraped gunk from the base of the toilet, wiped down chairs, and retrieved toys from every corner of the dining room.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my New Years Resolutions, and though I have made some notes here and there (and have a post that is half-written about it) I am tempted to yet again rethink the whole resolution gig.

Heard that one before? Yeah, that was my philosophy last year as I decided to think less about doing new things and think more about being the person I want to be. (You can read all about that in Day 1.)

So here’s a new thought- what if I didn’t try to just do new things (traditional resolutions), or I didn’t try to be a different person (which is difficult due to self-defeating patterns of behavior), what if I just declare an all out war on the things that are holding me back? Kind of like a Hit List?

(Side note- so, yeah, I have been watching a lot of Burn Notice lately. At this point we are only a few episodes into season 2, so I’m afraid the spy-meets-mob lingo will continue awhile. Just a little FYI in case you were wondering where the phrase “hit list” came from.)

Since this thought is young (several hours) I don’t have the whole Hit List available for you today. But here is #1:

Becky’s Hit List for 2012:

1. Little Red Hen Syndrome
I recently took the Enneagream, a personality grid basedon 9 types that indentifies your chief motivation and chief fear. (Half way through, the test cancelled out and lead me to a screen that said…
CHIEF MOTIVATION: Your live for Dr. Pepper.
CHIEF FEAR: Running out of Dr. Pepper.
Wow- this test is right on! I thought. Just kidding…about all of that.)
(We interrupt this gripping story for an equally gripping story about personality tests. One time I was taking a personality test online and I yelled to my husband in the other room, “Do you think I’m indecisive?” True story. Sheesh. We will now return to the first gripping story.)

So I took it and found out that I am a 2. I was in denial a bit, so I took three other tests that all told me that I am a 2. So I guess that’s it.
The Nine Types of the Enneagram. (I am the one with the vacuum. Sad, I know, but true.)
The great thing about personality tests is that you learn new things about yourself so there is just more to dislike! Yes!
Oh, I didn’t realize that I am passive-aggressive but that is so true!
Wow, I never thought of myself as being borderline paranoid but I totally see it!
Gosh, now I really do see how I have no backbone and therefore invite people to walk all over me! How insightful!

(To feel awful about all the things you didn’t realize about yourself  find your enneagram number, click here and scroll down for the test.)

So anyways, I read up on the 2. And one of their self-defeating patterns of behavior tendencies is to overextend themselves for others, voluntarily take on too much, and then resent that they are being left to do all the work.

(In one book called The Enneagram Made Easy, the tagline for the 2 was “We were put on earth to serve others. What the others are here for we do not know.”  Clever way to sum it up. On a side-note-that-is-kind-of-related, my husband is an 8. His tagline is “Don’t go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Yep. He’s an 8 alright.)

So, back to what I was saying. What was I saying? Oh, right- the Little Red Hen syndrome. Sometimes I start out on a project or task with a joyful heart, really happy to do something in service for others…

 I think I’ll bake some bread! the Little Red Hen said.

But then somewhere along the line, when it gets tricky or bigger than I thought or the baby wakes and the toddler has an accident and the four year old lights the dining room table on fire (thankfully that last one is hypothetical), I suddenly feel taken advantage of. And then the LRH syndrome kicks in- and I cry, “Who is going to help me do this????”

Who will help me grind the wheat? asked the Little Red Hen.
Not I, said everyone that the Little Red Hen knows.

And no one volunteers. And the joy that comes from serving has slipped through my fingers, replaced by a resentful heart that brings joy to no one.

The funny thing about me, the particular twist to my LRH dilemma, is that my cry for help is usually so subtle that no one else can tell I am really crying for help. I’m indirect. I beat around the bush. I don’t just say it.

So instead of sighing, “Who will help me?” and muttering under my breath. I need to approach a person and ask them, “Will you help me do _______? _______ is how you can help me.”

Fine, I’ll do it myself, said the Little Red Hen. Then she ate all the bread she baked, all by herself. And she felt lonely. And bloated.

The End.

Yeah, it usually doesn’t end well.

As I type this, it seems so trivial, like of course I should be able to just stop being this way. But old habits die hard, friends.

Maybe I should have titled this post Little Red Hen meets Die Hard. That would have been epic. (You like my use of epic? Just trying to break the age barriers around here, keep things hip, you know? That’s what the kids are saying these days. Epic.)

So that is #1 on my list of things to weed out this year. Lest you think I am a big self-help guru, let me clarify that I am not saying that, on my own, I will simply fix myself. But I do know that awareness of my faults (some of which lead to sin, some of which are sin) is a tool in itself. I can’t fight something I don’t see. And when I see myself more clearly for who I really am, I take steps to become more like the person God made me to be.

So there you have it. A Hit List for 2012. I’ll let you know as other things pop up and join the list.

On the short-term Hit List is the playroom (which is out of control), the pantry/laundry room (which staged a mutiny mid-last week), and my bedroom (which seceded from the union about a month ago. Oh,yeah. It’s just plain doin’ it’s own thing.)

So there you have it.  If you took the quiz- leave us a note about what number you are. I am actually attending an Enneagram party this weekend- also known (in our circle) as an Enneagram-arama. Bring it on.

And you can read about my friend, Sharon, as she deals with her nineness.

Have a great week, folks. Hope you work through your own Hit List with great success.


0 thoughts on “me and my vice (not to be confused with miami vice)”

  1. Totally relating to your LRH struggle…ugh. Oh so thankful for grace and mercy in the journey. A little afraid to take the test….might have to work up to it:) Thanks for sharing Becky!

  2. Tawnya-
    I know the thought of learning new, not so pleasant things is daunting, but I'd encourage you to take it for the insight! Also, if you can talk your husband into taking the quiz, too, then you can check out this link that details how different numbers interract. We found it interesting!


    Grace and mercy are key =)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *